Friday, August 26, 2005

If you can't do things for a person, without expectations, then you should do nothing at all. If you need someone to submit to, then identify that in yourself, don't blame the man for accepting your form of friendship, and or submission. Nor should you blame him for not reciprocating the same. Should that not be is love language.

If you can relate to this, you might want to go through your own sabbatical, SHIFT YOUR PARADIGM, and come out loving yourself enough, not to grant someone else that much of YOU. (YOU being, your time, space, emotion, effort, finances, or energy). If he only wants to be your "FRIEND", he will not see it as a problem, because he is accustomed to operating in that mannerism with all of his other "FRIENDS".

Nor will you feel used, because YOU KEPT EVERYTHING IN PERSPECTIVE!!!

In this day and age, just because you are married does not mean that the situation is any harder to walk away from, or appreciated any more than if you were just friends, (with benefits).

JUST MY OPINION...Anyone up for conversation?
Mistaken Identity

I’ve been looking for you, where have you been?
I’ve looked high and low, out and in.
I knew you were out there, it was only a matter of time.
The one I’ve been looking for, the one I must find.

All is well, now that you’re here with me.
Wait till I tell everyone, you arrived for me.
Everything is perfect now, now that you’ve come.
I knew, that I knew, that I knew, you would be the one.

Now I can go on to the next phase of my life,
I could not start chapter two,
Until I found you.
So, what happens next, everything will be great.
I’ve found the one I was looking for, this is a blessed day.

Now that time has passed, I see something is wrong.
We are not communicating, we’re unhappy at home.
This should not be, your supposed to be the one for me.
I guess this was a case of mistaken identity.
All I Miss

I miss your touch.
I miss holding you at night,
I miss your smile,
I miss feeling like you want me.
I miss imagining us a year from now,
and how happy we should be.
I miss planning our first vacation,
I miss daydreaming of how nice it will all be.
I miss the idea of you missing me!!!
I miss everything we used to be!

u r defined as my unspoken truth hidden behind my heart...that voice that allows the mind to speak to the soul

Friday, August 19, 2005

What is it about your first?

I’ve been living this life for approximately 3 years now, and in those years, I have met a variety of people. Some of which I still associate with, and other which I intentionally keep distance between us. (Reason, Season, or Lifetime Theory). Of all the people that crossed my path, there seems to be one that remains in my mind / heart, and I am sure it is the same for a lot of others.

That FIRST…. Even being able to look back and understand, more so now, why we could NEVER be together, especially after my growth that I have experience since them, they still find a way to hit that spot. (My nerves).

What is so special about being the first? Why is it the connection unbreakable? Is, it the sex? What if the sex was not that good?

I don’t know but the REALITY IS…..I think I still love my first…..

WOW….I said it!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

To be BISEXUAL some would consider a curse. Others would just call it the best of both worlds. It also seems to be easier to be a BISEXUAL female, as opposed to be a BISEXUAL male. Living live as a BISEXUAL male, it must be said that it is not easy. For some 100% honesty is not an option. There are so many questions that I think about, such as…

Why is it so much easier to tell a man, I am BISEXUAL as opposed to telling a woman?
Does this mean I have more concern as to how the woman perceives me, as opposed to the man?

Why are men expected to be supportive of BISEXUAL relationships, as opposed to woman?
Is it because the natural expectation for a man is to be with a woman?

Living as a BISEXUAL man, why is it acceptable for me to be sexually active with my woman on the side, but not an option for my male partner, to seek sexual gratification with another male, him being homosexual?

Is it not considered cheating because it is someone of the opposite gender?

Maybe BISEXUAL people should be in relationships with each other? Speaking as a BISEXUAL man, I must say that it is difficult at times, sometimes I get lost in the necessary illusion of the two separate lives. Where does it end? Where will I find myself? I often complain, unsatisfied with the time wasted dealing with men, for the couple of years that I have. Have I been unsatisfied all this time because I am missing the companionship of a woman?

There is nothing easy about being BISEXUAL, there is an emotional struggle, that is supported by what is (or some feel should be), mans’ American Dream, of having a House, Wife, Car, Kids, and Dog.
For me the REALITY IS …. I have no answers!

Thursday, August 11, 2005


I arrived to work today to find that I'd been spotted!!!

Devastated by the idea that someone now knows… trapped in what is now my secret, REVEALED!

As I stepped into the office, saying my usual good mornings, I heard the words, “You are so shady”, at that point, that statement could have been associated with anything under the sun, but something told me that it was my worst fear. When I turned to see who made the statement, that was my worst fear confirmed, when it was an openly gay male standing behind me.

My stomach dropped, and my heart began to race, as I realized that there could only be one thing that he was talking about.

Yes, my open display, amongst the “kids”…..

I know...I know ... what the hell did I expect?

Nonetheless, I had no intention of incriminating myself, so I asked, “What are you talking about”. His reply caused me to replay every moment of that day. WOW! What was I thinking? I guess, I was just enjoying life. So I asked, how many people at the office would be commenting about that, basically asking, how many people had he told? His reply was none, but that is yet to be seen. Of course, that was followed by an invitation to go out for drinks.

I don’t know what the better idea is, and how it may affect his silence. Do I go out, and he not get the energy he desires, and that causes him to talk? Do I refuse, and he feel rejected and that cause him to talk? THE REALITY IS, no matter what I decide, it is based totally on the type of man / person, he is.

Understanding the ladies in the office would be SOOOOOOOOO upset, being it that I have dated 2 of them, and have others that I have asking me out for over a year now, and for the last year, he always made catty comments, regarding my attractiveness, saying things such as, “you are not that cute”, or “if I were a women, I would not be on you like that”

I guess at this point, THE REALITY IS… remains to be seen.

It was only a matter of time I guess…

Oh, well, another chapter of MY JOURNEY, MY LIFE, MY REALITY… the story continues.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Reality of a…………….Far Away Fantasy

What’s really good…if any good can come out of this type situation? In love with someone 3745 miles away, yes from NY to CA, how does this work. THE REALITY IS….

I must say that they possess everything that I would say that I want, but how much do I really know? THE REALITY IS….

Whenever we are together I do nothing but smile, even as I sleep with them in my arms, but what would I feel if I lived next door? THE REALITY IS….

What keep us together, is it the very thing that is keeping us apart, is space the link that protects my heart? What I don’t know, can’t hurt me….well how true is that, I can think of a couple of things… THE REALITY IS….

If they left me at 8AM each morning, and returned at 6, would I be just as happy a year into it? Or do I need the space apart, what did I do last time I was lonely / horny, us being so far apart? THE REALITY IS….

What is an acceptable substitute for intimate gratification? A hot video, a web cam, a phone call? Does that depend on who is on the other end? How often is it that you contact who you are with, to satisfy you, while you’re apart? Does it cost less to call across the street, as opposed to 3745 miles away? Would I rather call across the street, as opposed to 3745 miles away? Would I rather they lived across the street, as opposed to 3745 miles away? If they happen to live across the street, would they be the person I desired to call? THE REALITY IS….

If I had to be real about it … The REALITY of my Far Away Fantasy is….
Dear Lord, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.

You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said, or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.

Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over, and it's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those that are lost and can't find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

I pray for those that don't believe. But I thank you that I believe. I believe that God changes people and God changes things.

I pray for all my sisters and brothers and for each and every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

In Jesus Name, Amen & Amen.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I've been on the move for a while now, and whereas I am not sure what His ultimate plan for me is, what I do know is that I was predestined to have gone where I've been, met who I've met, and experienced what I've experienced. In my 27 years of living, born 3/9/1978, I been fortunate enough to live many different places, and meet so many people from different walks of life. Which I feel has only enriched who I am.

My quick walk...

@ the age of 17 ... I joined the Military where in which my mother had to sign me in because of my age, and my first duty assignment was Hohenfels, Germany. I enjoyed Germany Sooooooooo much I decided to stay and additional 2 years which resulted in me living there for an accumulative 4.5 years.....also @ age of 17 years old, I got married. Then my girlfriend of 3 years, we decided that I was not leaving here behind in the U.S. to live in Germany for who knows how long.

@ 21 years of age... I returned to the United States to live in Killeen, TX...Stationed at Ft. Hood, I lived there another 3 years, while still in Texas, I got out of the active Army, and joined the National Guard, and set up shop in Dallas Texas. There I remained for 2 years.

@ 26 years of age... I received word that my mother had Cancer, so in less than a week I packed up my entire house, loaded it on a UHAUL, and drove from Dallas, TX to Los Angeles. One month after my arrival the doctors realized that they were incorrect, and that she had NO sign of cancer...(GOD IS GOOD)! I remained in Los Angeles for another couple of months, but after being away from my family since I was 17, I don't know how to live in the same vicinity as them any more. The family at the door at 9AM on a Saturday, when I did not get home from the club till 6AM, and a mother demanding that I needed to get over to her house and clean the yard, and cut grass, and take the nieces and nephews to the park, and cooking for the family for Sunday, and coming to her Church Sunday, to sing for one of their programs, to this, to that, to this, to that..I had to get the HELL UP OUTTA' THERE! So...

@ 26years of age...I moved to NYC, and here is where the story continues....